Once again, these two have graciously given me permission to post their commission online. If you'd like me to write one about you, hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org!
Otherwise, prepare yourself....
Dan Walker and Hannah Ireland: The Legend, The Legacy
Prepare yourself for a tale of the greatest friendship that ever was, or will be—the tale of Daniel
Walker and Hannah Ireland.
They were destined for friendship from the moment of their first meeting. They met not with
words, but a…no, the bro-fist of the age.
The extraordinary connection between these two paragons of human achievement was more than
a mere schoolyard comradeship; their very minds were as one. It is said that they had matching
outfits, though few have ever actually claimed to have seen them. Neither Hannah nor Dan have
ever addressed them publicly.
To this day it is rumored that they only donned these outfits when they sensed that they were
needed somewhere in the world. Some believe that they were donned as a symbolic gesture, like
Superman putting on his cape. Others insist that the outfits were given to them by a Maori
shaman long ago, and that they granted the wearers superhuman speed, strength and agility.
Others believe that they simply got really drunk one night and stole an incongruous set of
costume parts from the Beloit College scene shop.
Together they journeyed to nations consumed by starvation, extensively stocked with non-
perishables and agricultural equipment, distributing them freely, defeating hunger worldwide in a
mere fortnight. They robbed half the banks in America and had parades that congested entire
blocks of major metropolitan areas for hours, in which they literally threw billions of dollars at
cheering pedestrians. They even sang the national anthem of the United States at a major league
championship game, and didn’t embarrass their country, or themselves.
And they did it all while earning degrees at Beloit College…and graduating on time.
I must ask, do you remember the nightmarish rise of Mecha-Hitler? Do you remember the streets
filled with corpses? Do you remember the pterodactyl sentinels, the cyborg centurions? Do you
recall the fall of man? Hannah and Daniel are the reason you don’t. They changed the world, the
two of them, so that the irreparable damage caused by the Cyber-Führer and his underling, the
eternally scorned Rasputin Gingrich, was wholly erased from time.
Because these motherfuckers could travel through time.
Yes, Hannah and Daniel were indeed extraordinary individuals. Lesser civilization may have
even called them gods.
Yet, I know that they are not gods. They have not had comparable contemporaries, but there
have been others like them, individuals whose friendships with one another allowed them to do
Lewis and Clarke. The Blues Brothers. Bonnie and Clyde. Those jacked dudes from “Contra.”
Now, finally, in our own time, we have Hannah and Dan.