Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The One Reason You Should Vote

Here is the one reason you should vote...

...for Hillary Clinton.

It's to keep this guy from being President.

No, really. That's it.

Guys, seriously, this isn't a difficult concept. Trump has demonstrated literally dozens of times in the past year alone that he's a racist, misogynist, hopelessly out of touch one-percenter with no concrete policy proposals besides oppressing immigrants, refugees and women, and starting wars on foreign soil.

If you vote for him, your vote is an attempt to make the US, and the world at large (because it is an objective fact that our economy and culture, as the world's last real superpower, affect everyone else globally), a worse place for the next 4 years or more.

Now, as for this one...

Look guys, I didn't vote for her in the Primary, but even I have to admit that as far as alternatives to Donald Trump, we could all do a hell of a lot worse.

I'm not going to bother endorsing Clinton by citing her accomplishments; she's a proven leader, an accomplished diplomat, yada yada blah. It's time to admit the ugly truth: the only reason anyone would choose to vote Trump over Clinton at this point is because she's a woman. Let me explain:

Both of these fuckers were accused of corruption this year. A lot. Both of them have gotten their hands dirty, that's true...but how have we gotten to a point where electing a man with ample evidence of being a sexual predator, in addition to be a hate-spouting bigot with absolutely no experience in politics, is more okay than electing a woman who is already a proven politician...but fucked up once on an issue of transparency because she's an older person who doesn't understand how technology fucking works? She hasn't even driven a car herself since 1996 for fuck's sake! Is it so shocking that she wouldn't understand that deleting some old emails from 2014 might be a problem?

Even if it turned out she was guilty of trying to hide damning evidence of her own corruption, how the fuck is this even comparable to electing a dude who once publicly mocked a journalist with a disability, just to get cheap laughs? How is it comparable to an ex-reality TV show host with several outstanding sexual assault allegations over the course of decades?

Alright, you still hate both of them, so you're not going to vote at all. I'm guessing you're probably between the age of 18-35, right? You're also statistically white, and you're probably male. Good news! Regardless of the outcome of your election, the fact that you're about as hetero-normative as they come means you're not going to be affected at all! Hooray!

However, your friends will. Your families will. Your parents will. Your children will, especially if we get into another war. Someone you love will be affected by Trump's regime, and it will be hellish...and you, you will be remembered as the one who just couldn't get over someone with a vagina sitting in the oval office, so you chose a horrible alternative, clinging to weak excuses like a now-disproved email scandal and objections about having pneumonia a couple months before the election.

The truth is, we get most of our news from huge media corporations with their own political interests. All the major networks have long-standing political bias, and all of them have been working day and night to fan the flames so that the US public will hate their non-preferred candidate. Also, they get better ratings the more drama there is. That excess of drama has led a lot of people to thinking irrationally, and swallowing half-truths as though they were fact.

The difference is, the facts are on Hillary's side. Isn't it uncanny how the intellectuals of America unanimously back Clinton, and the best Trump has gotten are heads of huge corporations and Ku Klux Klan members?

Also, remember Brexit?

The UK voted to leave the European Union. Long story short, it fucked their economy in the short term, and it'll fuck them worse in the long term.

Statistically, most of the people who voted to "Leave" tended to be people aged from their forties to eighties and beyond. The most popular reason was "to keep immigrants out." Sound familiar?

Most of the younger voters, who tended to choose their votes for economic and not bigoted reasons, voted to "Stay." Only about 46% of 18-24s voted, and the average was only a little higher for the age group above them. Over half of that demographic didn't vote because they "didn't feel their vote mattered."

Turns out, if they had voted, the UK probably wouldn't be in the situation they're dealing with now. I'd say that's proof that voting actually matters.

I know Hillary isn't everyone's favorite, but if you vote for this person...

...you're voting for someone who thinks giving children vaccines causes autism.

If you're voting for this one...

...you're voting for someone who has long since given up on his own campaign.

In fact, if you vote for either of them - I'm sorry to say it, but it's the truth - you're ignoring the fact that this is a two-party system we live in, and the only thing you're accomplishing is demonstrating your own naivete and middle class privilege.

A: The numbers game of American electoral practices works like this: whoever gets the most votes, will win. Simple.

B: Most voters consider third or fourth party candidates pointless, and even if their personal views align with them more closely than Dems or Repubs, they believe it's a wasted vote. Which means, statistically, most voters are going to go Blue or Red, which means, statistically, the 5% of votes or whatever the Independents get will not cause that candidate to be elected.

Which means, yes, those votes were a bit of a waste. Sorry. That's the ugly truth.

It's not the Ideal World we live in, guys, but it's reality, and voting for a lost cause isn't going to change reality.

If you make your vote a "Protest Vote", then my friend, you are just as privileged as the white male who didn't vote because "it was too cold outside that day."

All Presidential elections are a big deal, but this one is too dire to take lightly.

Voting is a serious responsibility. We're literally choosing who to give nuclear launch codes to. We're literally choosing who has authority to veto Congress. We are choosing who we, as a culture want to represent us to everyone on Earth.

We have to do everything we can to correct the horrible path we're nearly on. There is nothing more serious that you will do this year.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Ultimate Omelette Recipe


This is my recipe for the ultimate omelette.

I've had years to perfect it, but feel free to add to this recipe if you like ruining things.

3 medium or large eggs (whatever you have, it's good either way)
1 tbsp of EVO (or butter, if you're the exciting, dangerous type)
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 tbsp black pepper
1 tbsp salt
1 hot pepper (serrano, habanero, jalapeno, etc)
1/2 cup of milk
1/2 - 1 cup of grated cheese (or less, if you like Fascism)
1/4 - 1/2 cup of sliced onions (depends on preference)
1 cup of spinach
Roughly half a roma tomato or something
1/2 a ripe avocado
Some Caesar dressing
Some Sriracha/Frank's Red Hot/whatever hot sauce you prefer
OPTIONAL: red pepper flakes (some might say the extra spice might be gratuitous. Those people also probably cried while watching "Big Fish".)

Begin by heating up a non-stick skillet with copious olive oil or butter. If you're using olive oil, don't walk away from the burner or you'll burn your entire house down.

Throw in the onions and reduce to medium-low or low heat. Depends on how impatient you are.

Saute onions. Once the onions are kind of floppy and yellow, add the spinach. It'll cook hella quick, because it's fucking spinach.

While this is cooking, start mixing the eggs in a separate bowl with the milk. You can just use a fork, don't be a fancy pretentious a-hole and use a whisk. A fork works just fine.

Chop some damn peppers into fine little bits and add them to the egg mixture. The more you let them sit, the more they'll soak into the egg, adding spiciness. Which, according to Microsoft Word, is a real word. Add the black pepper, too, regardless. Unless you're opposed to pepper, in which case, you're probably also opposed to democracy.

By now, if you haven't burned your entire house down, the spinach should have started wilting. Mix it in so the leaves get completely covered in oil (or butter). Keep mixing those fuckers until all the leaves get mushy and dark green. Add some more oil or butter if you need to.

Now you get real. Add the egg/milk/pepper mixture, if you can handle the stress.

If you haven't already, reduce to low heat. Now you're officially Martha Stewart Status.

While the egg is cooking, add the garlic powder. You could technically mix it in with the egg or with the sauteed spinach, but I've found the flavor is more potent if you just layer it between the partially-cooked egg layer and the cheese.

Add the grated cheese. Xtra sharp cheddar is the best, but pepper jack is also acceptable. Fresh parmesan creates a nice accent. Anything similar works, too. You know. If your kitchen game is weak and you just don't have any self-respect.

Now is a good time to add the red pepper flakes, so if you're brave enough, sprinkle sprinkle. Slice up some tomatoes and add them around the egg. It takes literally no time at all so it doesn't matter if you prepared this ahead of time. Tomato + garlic + cheese = love. Therefore, if you don't like this recipe, you lack the capacity to love.

Once the eggs are roughly 3/4 of the way cooked, now you can add the salt. Don't add it too early, or it messes with the eggy texture in the worst way. Once you've made that omelette nice and salty, cover that shit to drown out its petty, jealous complaints.

Keep it covered, but Czech it every four minutes or so. Cooking is not an exact science. Take it from me, who has no formal cooking expertise.

Once the egg is fully cooked, shimmy a flipper under that shit and CAREFULLY flip it in half, so it resembles a half-moon.

Take a second to look at it. Glorious.

Remove from heat and create some avocado slices. Once your omelette is cool enough for your mouth to handle, slide that ish on a plate.

Squirt some Caesar dressing up on the plate, separate from the entree. Add some hot sauce within the dressing to taste, and mix with a fork.

Place the avocado slices on top of the omelette. Dip some of the corner pieces in the Caesar/Sriracha dipping sauce for maximum justice. They need the most help to be flavorful, since the corner and edge bits have the fewest cheese and vegetables.

You're welcome, friends. You're welcome.