Friday, January 22, 2016

Ultimate Omelette Recipe


This is my recipe for the ultimate omelette.

I've had years to perfect it, but feel free to add to this recipe if you like ruining things.

3 medium or large eggs (whatever you have, it's good either way)
1 tbsp of EVO (or butter, if you're the exciting, dangerous type)
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 tbsp black pepper
1 tbsp salt
1 hot pepper (serrano, habanero, jalapeno, etc)
1/2 cup of milk
1/2 - 1 cup of grated cheese (or less, if you like Fascism)
1/4 - 1/2 cup of sliced onions (depends on preference)
1 cup of spinach
Roughly half a roma tomato or something
1/2 a ripe avocado
Some Caesar dressing
Some Sriracha/Frank's Red Hot/whatever hot sauce you prefer
OPTIONAL: red pepper flakes (some might say the extra spice might be gratuitous. Those people also probably cried while watching "Big Fish".)

Begin by heating up a non-stick skillet with copious olive oil or butter. If you're using olive oil, don't walk away from the burner or you'll burn your entire house down.

Throw in the onions and reduce to medium-low or low heat. Depends on how impatient you are.

Saute onions. Once the onions are kind of floppy and yellow, add the spinach. It'll cook hella quick, because it's fucking spinach.

While this is cooking, start mixing the eggs in a separate bowl with the milk. You can just use a fork, don't be a fancy pretentious a-hole and use a whisk. A fork works just fine.

Chop some damn peppers into fine little bits and add them to the egg mixture. The more you let them sit, the more they'll soak into the egg, adding spiciness. Which, according to Microsoft Word, is a real word. Add the black pepper, too, regardless. Unless you're opposed to pepper, in which case, you're probably also opposed to democracy.

By now, if you haven't burned your entire house down, the spinach should have started wilting. Mix it in so the leaves get completely covered in oil (or butter). Keep mixing those fuckers until all the leaves get mushy and dark green. Add some more oil or butter if you need to.

Now you get real. Add the egg/milk/pepper mixture, if you can handle the stress.

If you haven't already, reduce to low heat. Now you're officially Martha Stewart Status.

While the egg is cooking, add the garlic powder. You could technically mix it in with the egg or with the sauteed spinach, but I've found the flavor is more potent if you just layer it between the partially-cooked egg layer and the cheese.

Add the grated cheese. Xtra sharp cheddar is the best, but pepper jack is also acceptable. Fresh parmesan creates a nice accent. Anything similar works, too. You know. If your kitchen game is weak and you just don't have any self-respect.

Now is a good time to add the red pepper flakes, so if you're brave enough, sprinkle sprinkle. Slice up some tomatoes and add them around the egg. It takes literally no time at all so it doesn't matter if you prepared this ahead of time. Tomato + garlic + cheese = love. Therefore, if you don't like this recipe, you lack the capacity to love.

Once the eggs are roughly 3/4 of the way cooked, now you can add the salt. Don't add it too early, or it messes with the eggy texture in the worst way. Once you've made that omelette nice and salty, cover that shit to drown out its petty, jealous complaints.

Keep it covered, but Czech it every four minutes or so. Cooking is not an exact science. Take it from me, who has no formal cooking expertise.

Once the egg is fully cooked, shimmy a flipper under that shit and CAREFULLY flip it in half, so it resembles a half-moon.

Take a second to look at it. Glorious.

Remove from heat and create some avocado slices. Once your omelette is cool enough for your mouth to handle, slide that ish on a plate.

Squirt some Caesar dressing up on the plate, separate from the entree. Add some hot sauce within the dressing to taste, and mix with a fork.

Place the avocado slices on top of the omelette. Dip some of the corner pieces in the Caesar/Sriracha dipping sauce for maximum justice. They need the most help to be flavorful, since the corner and edge bits have the fewest cheese and vegetables.

You're welcome, friends. You're welcome.

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